DRUG TEST HORROR SHOW At first glance, it appeared to be a routine pharmaceutical test run. Eight young men in London, England had volunteered to be the first humans to be injected with TGN 1412, an experimental anti-inflammatory designed for the treatment of arthritis, leukemia and multiple sclerosis. They'd been paid handsomely by the American testing firm Parexel, who had been contracted by the German biotech firm TeGenero to find suitable subjects to serve as human guinea pigs for their new drug, which had shown promising results in animal tests. Within minutes of the subjects being injected, however, the test ward at London's Northwick Hospital was transformed into a hellscape wrenched straight out of Jacob's Ladder (which is a damn fine flick, by the way). Six of the subjects had immediate and intensely negative reactions to the drug. The other two were only spared because they'd had the good fortune of being injected with a placebo solution. One can only imagine their terror as they watched their comrades, screaming and tearing at their clothes in agony, rapidly swelling into bloated, twisted mockeries of the human form. One of the victims' heads swelled up to three times its normal size, for fuck's sake! For now, the six individuals involved are being kept alive by machine while scientists on both sides of the Atlantic desperately race to figure out what went wrong… and whether anything can be done to rescue the victims of their Frankensteinian pursuits. On the whole, it's a pretty safe bet to say that lives will be ruined, stock prices will plummet, and investigations will be launched. However, on the bright side, if researchers can figure out a way to localize this phenomenal swelling -- say, to the genital extremities -- they'll all be rich beyond their wildest dreams. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 14 On this day in 1794, inventor Eli Whitney patents the cotton gin. Unfortunately, it fails to catch on, because it makes cocktails taste like underwear. On this day in 1931, the first ever movie-theater built for "rear projection" opens, in New York City. It is soon forced to close its doors, however, when the Catholic League insists that only "missionary projection" is acceptable in the eyes of God. On this day in 1964, a Dallas jury sentences Jack Ruby to death for killing Lee Harvey Oswald. They needn't have bothered, as arrangements had already been made. On this day in 1995, for the first time ever, 13 human beings spend time in outer space simultaneously. Contrary to the worries of triskaidekaphobics everywhere, nothing bad happens.

THEY SAID IT! "I don't know about you guys, but I am so sick and tired of these lying, thieving, holier-than-thou, right-wing, cruel, crude, rude, gauche, coarse, crass, cocky, corrupt, dishonest, debauched, degenerate, dissolute, swaggering, lawyer shooting, bullhorn shouting, infrastructure destroying, hysterical, history defying, finger- pointing, puppy stomping, roommate appointing, pretzel choking, collateral damaging, aspersion casting, wedding party bombing, clear cutting, torturing, jobs outsourcing, torture outsourcing, "so-called" compassionate-conservative, women's rights eradicating, Medicare cutting, uncouth, spiteful, boorish, vengeful, noxious, homophobic, xenophobic, xylophonic, racist, sexist, ageist, fascist, cashist, audaciously stupid, brazenly selfish, lethally ignorant, journalist purchasing, genocide ignoring, corporation kissing, poverty inducing, crooked, coercive, autocratic, primitive, uppity, high-handed, domineering, arrogant, inhuman, inhumane, insolent, know-it-all, snotty, pompous, contemptuous, supercilious, gutless, spineless, shameless, avaricious, poisonous, imperious, merciless, graceless, tactless, brutish, brutal, Karl Roving, backward thinking, persistent vegetative state grandstanding, nuclear option threatening, evolution denying, irony deprived, depraved, insincere, conceited, perverted, pre-emptory invading of a country that had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11, 35-day-vacation taking, bribe soliciting, incapable, inbred, hellish, proud for no apparent reason, smarty pants, loudmouth, bullying, swell-headed, ethnic cleansing, ethics-eluding, domestic spying, medical marijuana-busting, kick-backing, Halliburtoning, New Deal disintegrating, narcissistic, undiplomatic, blustering, malevolent, demonizing, baby seal-clubbing, Duke Cunninghamming, hectoring, verbally flatulent, pro-bad- anti-good, Moslem-baiting, photo-op arranging, hurricane disregarding, oil company hugging, judge packing, science disputing, faith based mathematics advocating, armament selling, nonsense spewing, education ravaging, whiny, unscrupulous, greedy exponential factor fifteen, fraudulent, CIA outing, redistricting, anybody who disagrees with them slandering, fact twisting, ally alienating, betraying, god and flag waving, scare mongering, Cindy Sheehan libeling, phony question asking, just won't get off the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge drilling, two- faced, inept, callous, menacing, your hand under a rock- the maggoty remains of a marsupial, oppressive, vulgar, antagonistic, brush clearing suck- up, showboating, tyrannizing, peace hating, water and air and ground and media polluting which is pretty much all the polluting you can get, deadly, illegal, pernicious, lethal, haughty, venomous, virulent, ineffectual, mephitic, egotistic, bloodthirsty, incompetent, hypocritical, did I say evil, I'm not sure if I said evil, because I want to make sure I say evil… EVIL, cretinous, fool, toad, buttwipe, lizardstick, cowardly, lackey imperialistic tool slime buckets in the Bush Administration that I could just spit. Impeachment? Hell no. Impalement. Upon the sharp and righteous sword of the people's justice." - Come on, Will Durst... why don't you tell us how you REALLY feel?

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Chenzo! A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write spaghetti on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Ronnie for sending in today's second joke. After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes. "Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three-year-old hooker?" "Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Pounder... A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?" She says, "Hello Little Fuck."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: OPEN LETTER FROM OSAMA BIN LADEN care of: You Know Who Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly, I have a few concerns: First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster). Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the sh*t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks. Third: Food. I bought a box of Kraft Cheddar Slices recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks. Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA F*CKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain. Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area, and remember mine's the nice looking one with the blond mane so leave her alone. Anyone caught fooling with her will get shot.) Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave. Love you lots, Group Hug, Os. PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore... FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Damn, that hottie link to the "terrible truth about New Jersey's Italian community" it made me embarrassed to be half-Italian. What the heck is wrong with those dumb ginnies? Still, it took me back to a time in the mid 1970’s when I just moved and switched to a high school near Hempstead, NY. I showed up in a cool and expensive suede jacket (popular in New York at the time) and was immediately surrounded by a group of daygo's with their hair greased back and wearing leather biker jackets. I started thinking, "whoa, how did I get back in the 1950's? Is this the twilight zone?" It blew my mind! I don’t recall how I got out of the mess, but it all worked out, for only weeks later I was hanging with them in my new leather jacket. My hair looked pretty good greased back too. (Hey, I lived there. I had to fit in to survive and the girls there liked it too. And I like hot big breasted curvy assed Italian Girls - A lot. Still do! Yum, yum.) Anyhoo, so I guess a bunch of ignorant waps on steroids - dressing like fags - wearing fag makeup and "posing" like "tough guys" - it shouldn't have surprised me. But it did. It upset me so bad; I wanted to slam my fist through the g'damn computer screen. And the clubs in Jersey are full of these fuck-heads? Jerky, Ya gotta be Fuckin kidin me!!! Fuck it, the whole country's gone bat shit crazy. YOPT [It certainly is demoralizing. - Jerky] *** **** *** Good afternoon Jerky my old pal, This is doing the rounds on the net in the UK, Had you seen it? Is it of any "amusing" use? Keep up the good work - after many years I am still a devoted reader and a firm fan! Yours, Rover at Ewood! [It's funny. Thanks for sticking with us through all the bullshit! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; I did - fo sho - see your Oscar picks up before the awards. Pinkie swear! Rennee [Thanks! - Jerky] *** **** *** You're ignorant don't e-mail me again. Lloyd W [M'yokie-doke. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, What's this thing with the Axe body spray? C'mon Dude, I know ya tried it out. So save us a few bucks and share the wealth. DOES IT WORK? Cheers, YOPMick [I tried it. It didn't work, but I wouldn't blame the spray. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; You can't wipe the smile off your face because that woman is an idiot! She attended two different universities and yet is so stupid that as a deaf woman she walks on railroad tracks? Hope that clears it up for you. c. norris [Thanks, Chuck! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, I've been a loyal reader for at least the last five years. Finally I come to you for help. I live in northern Wisconsin, I've recently found out my wife is having a affair with a 3 time convicted level 3 sex offender, who is currently being held in jail for trail for his 4th sexual assualt charge. My wife and have 3 kids our daughter being the same age as the last girl this guy molested. My question what can I do to assure that this women will not get custody of our children? Is this women insane?? Help!!!! I need all sorts of adivce!! yop JMIKA [I am out of my element on this. Any lawyers out there, please send advice to jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com, and I'll run it in the Dirt. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com