PLUTO - A PLANET FOR HOW LONG?! Thousands of astronomers are gathering in Prague this week, and a planet’s fate hangs in the balance! Delegates to the International Astronomical Union are expected to decide whether Pluto is worthy of full planetary status or not. Because of its small size, extreme distance and unusual orbit, there has always been controversy over Pluto’s planetary designation. But with astronomers discovering new planet-like bodies in the Kuiper Belt every year -- some of them even bigger than Pluto -- that controversy has intensified. The news isn’t all bad for Pluto, however. The lonely, frozen space rock could be getting a new neighbor if scientists agree to recognize Xena as our Solar System’s tenth planet. Some of the gathered scientists are even proposing that we make it an even dozen by adding Mickey and Goofy to the mix. As always, we'll keep you posted. A Japanese oil tanker has collided with a cargo ship after leaving the port of Oman, causing the largest oil spill in the history of Japan. The Bright Artemis tanker leaked the oil following a collision with the Amar, a smaller cargo ship, about 300 miles west of India's Nicobar islands. There were no reports of injuries following the collision, but approximately 1.4 million gallons of the ship's 78 million gallon cargo leaked into the Indian Ocean. Officials from the governments of India and Singapoare are investigating the collision, and acting to contain the potentially disastrous environmental consequences. And there's more bad news on the environmental front. An exhaustive round of studies by researchers at Bristol University has shown that Global Warming is going to cause big, big trouble in the very near future. Using data from more than 50 separate computer simulations, the tree-hugging egg-heads showed that even moderate increases in global temperature will likely lead to an increase in forest fires, droughts and flooding. And even if governments take steps to cut back on emissions, key ecosystems will still be at risk. Areas in for a particularly rough couple centuries include Eurasia, China, Canada and the Amazon. It’s beginning to look like rumors of Fidel Castro’s imminent demise have been greatly exaggerated. The Cuban dictator has been hospitalized since undergoing intestinal surgery two weeks ago, when he ceded control of the Communist island nation to his younger brother and Defense Minister, Raul. Many were speculating that this could mean the beginning of the end for the aging Commandante’s half-century rule. But on Sunday, Cuba’s state-run newspaper released photos of a recuperating Fidel celebrating his 80th birthday with visiting Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. A statement was also released warning Cubans that their leader faces a long recovery. All together now... AWWW!!! Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has suffered yet another health setback. According to a spokeswoman for the Sheba Medical Center, recent tests have revealed a decrease in brain function and the onset of infection in his chest. Mister Sharon has been in a coma since January when he suffered a massive stroke. Since then, he has undergone several operations and emergency procedures. Sharon first entered Israeli politics in 1973, and became Prime Minister as a member of the right-wing Likud party in 2001. However, in 2005, he split from Likud to form the centrist Kadima party currently led by Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. Ignoring protests by Chinese and South Korean officials, Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi visited a controversial war shrine in Tokyo today. Koizumi has visited the Yasukuni shrine six times during his tenure. However, this is the first time he's been there on the anniversary of Japan's World War II surrender. Other governments in the region declared Koizumi's visit disrespectful to the victims of Japanese war atrocities because many of the people honored there were war criminals. This was Koizumi's last chance to fulfill a campaign promise to visit the shrine on this symbolic date. He steps down as Prime Minster next month. Conflict continues to escalate in Sri Lanka today, as government forces battle Tamil Tiger rebels in the north. Several people were killed yesterday when a bomb went off in the capital city of Colombo. The government responded to that attack with air-strikes, killing 19 suspected militants. Tamils claim government rockets hit an orphanage, killing sixty children. However, UN observers have been unable to verify this claim. Schools in the region have been temporarily shut down due to worries about potential reprisals. The Tigers have ruled out peace talks with the government despite a 2002 ceasefire agreement, which officially remains in effect. Officials say three Muslim men apprehended on Friday with a thousand untraceable cell phones may have been planning to use them in an attack on the Mackinac Bridge, which connects Michigan’s upper and lower peninsulas. Authorities were alerted after the suspects -- brothers Adham and Louai Othman and their cousin Maruwan Muhareb -- aroused suspicion at a Wal-Mart in Caro, Michigan. For their part, the men claim they were only buying the phones to re-sell them in Texas at a profit. Authorities are checking out their story. In the meantime, the men have been arraigned on terror-related charges, and bail has been set at $750,000 each. As for yer old pal Jerky, I'm left to ponder how, exactly, one goes about blowing up a bridge with a thousand cell phones. If you're using the components as detonators, wouldn't you only need one or two? Or do these cell phones use the same batteries as those exploding Dell computers? We'll dig into it, and keep you posted. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY August 4 On this day in 1959, America's new 49-star flag honoring Alaska's statehood is unfurled for the first time. They might as well have held their fuckin' horses, however, seeing as the 50-star flag honoring Hawaii's inclusion as a state premieres exactly one year later, on this day in 1960. On this day in 1830, the first plans for the city of Chicago are tentatively laid out. Unfortunately, they foolishly stick Wrigley Field over an Indian Pet Sematery with a Satanic curse on it or something, thereby dooming the Cubs franchise to eternal failure. Pop the cork! On this day in the year 1693, French monk Dom Perignon accidentally invents champagne (pronounced: shomp-ANG-yeh)! On this day in 1974, guitarist and ballistic weapons expert Jeff "Skunk" Baxter quits Steely Dan to join The Doobie Brothers. Chaos ensues. August 5 On this day in 1570, a group of Spanish Jesuits led by Fray Batista Segura arrives in the Chesapeake Bay area of Virginia in order to convert the native "savages" there to Christianity. Six months later, the entire group was slaughtered by the very Indians they had come to evangelize. BURN!!! On this day in 1861, the US Army abolishes flogging as punishment for its soldiers. Chaos ensues. Goodbye, Norma Jean. The once and future Marilyn Monroe blows out her own candle with a fistfull of barbituates on this day in 1962, thus selflessly sparing us, the public, from having to witness her long, sad decline into decrepitude. And if you think that wouldn't really have been so bad, I ask you... have you seen Bridgette Bardot lately?! August 6 At 8:15 A.M., on this day in the year 1945, with a blinding flash and a deafening roar, a single bomb turns the thriving city of Hiroshima into a twisted, smouldering, radioactive tableau of death and ruin. Nearly all people and buildings within a two-kilometer radius of the drop point were obliterated. An incredible one hundred and forty thousand people were killed by a single bomb... nearly half the city's population. This moment still stands as the most signifigant turning point in the history of our species. On this day in 2001, after only seven months in office, Preznit Dubya begins a month-long vacation at the Crawford "ranch" he purchased as a photo-op backdrop in 1999. He wouldn't spend another night in the White House until after the terrorist attacks (you know, the attacks he'd been warned about again and again and again?) were safely out of the way. The same can't be said for his Poppy, however, who spent the last night of the pre-9/11 era in his old White House bed. On this day in the year 1991, 60 Minutes co-anchor Harry Reasoner dies, like, ten minutes after retiring. And here we are, fourteen years later, with Andy Rooney still prattling on about toilet paper and stuff.

THEY SAID IT! "We discussed a lot of issues. The Prime Minister has laid out a comprehensive plan. That's what leaders do. They see problems, they address problems, and they lay out a plan to solve the problems. The Prime Minister understands he's got challenges and he's identified priorities." - The freakiest thing about the above blather from Preznit Dubya is that he wasn't even answering a question! Those were the opening remarks of a recent press conference. Read it again and see why that's mind-boggling. *** **** *** "For too long, the culture of corruption has undercut development and good governance and bred criminality and mistrust around the world. High-level corruption by senior government officials, or kleptocracy, is a grave and corrosive abuse of power and represents the most invidious type of public corruption. It threatens our national interest and violates our values." - "Culture of corruption", is it? Well, if there was any justice in the world, somebody would arrest Preznit Dubya on charges of Grand Theft Talking Point...

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by George! A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I switched to reading Arab newspapers. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke. There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch. When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, "What are you? Some kind of pervert?" The officer replies, "No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Mick... An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went". It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened" asked the doctor? "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: WINGNUT VERSUS MOONBAT REPLY #1 care of: Jolly Sapper Dear Jerky; Why is it always the "dreaded commi-liberalism" when somebody who just lost everything they spent their entire lives working for asks the government for help? Why is it not "dreaded commi-liberalism" when a company asks the government for help after finding itself in the whole, or unable to meet stockbroker expectations? Or "dreaded commi-liberalism" when the WTO uses liberal economic policies to rape another country? Why is the ACLU bad? Because it goes after school faculty and staff that try to force a tolerance of only one religion or because the ACLU has defended students' Constitutional right to freely express their own religious convictions? Why is socialism bad? Because of all the roads that were built allowing you and Wal-Mart to go about you're business? Maybe because of the idea that we as a society should care about not only ourselves but each other? Maybe its because socialism makes you responsible for little Suzy-Six-Year-Old's public education? Maybe its because socialsim makes you responsible, period. Government enforced responsibility, can't be a good thing can it? If socialism is so bad, then why have a military? That's about the only large scale application of socialism that ever seems to work (though I've only been alive 24 years, 4 of which were in the US Army, so I might not have seen enough to know any better.) If having food provided, health care provided, housing provided, clothing provided, and a retirement pension after 20 years all provided by the government is a bad thing then stop spending money on the military, police, firefighters, National Guard, Reserves, etc. I mean all of it, not just cut back but completely cut off all cash flow and incentive to do all of that dirty work a small part of the population does for the wingnuts and moonbats alike, no questions asked. If socialism is so bad then why even have a Democracy at all? Why waste the time and effort to try to make a society that people can benefit from besides myself? Shit, if it weren't for the vain attempts to create a more socially just and equitable society then all of us poor folk would have gone all French Revolution on the richer more affluent folks years ago. I'm talking about pitchforks and shotguns and torches and tanks. If it weren't for the middle classes strugging to hold onto the belief that it's possible for them to move up the social/economic ladder they too would join the ranks of the really really pissed off poor folk, making the richer more affluent folks even more of a minority than they were before. The rich fight for a way of life, the poor fight for survival. Who do you think will fight harder? I wouldn't complain so much about those who are already destitue losing everything they had and asking for help. Its the belief that they might actually get help that keeps most of this great American society from slitting the throats of those with all the money and power. "In the sixties, Lyndon Johnson tried to solve poverty by giving poor people more money." Why is it that the wingnuts always want to throw money at a problem instead of trying to figure out what the hell went wrong in the first place? Man, that was really Marxist of me. Oh well, fuck it. - Jolly Sapper [Groucho Marxist! - Jerky] TOPIC: WINGNUT VERSUS MOONBAT REPLY #1 care of: Delmax DOPJ, Both Wingnut and Moonbat offered valid arguments on the colossal cluster-fuck response to Hurricane Katrina but neither addressed the real issue - the flawed management paradigm our federal government. History is littered with examples of the failure or gross inefficiency of the federal government to deliver services . The reason why is quite obvious. Services are delivered by the Executive branch which overseas the vast administrative effort of government services. At the top is the Prez and his many appointees who come to the job with, at the very best, a pink slip already written for eight years hence. Most (aside from ole POTUS) know their shelf life is probably much less, but who cares. Once you have that title as former Secretary of This or Under Secretary of That your financial future is secured with a hefty pension, at least one book deal and a decade on the $20,000 a pop lecture circuit regardless of how you performed. Look at Bill Bennett, 3 years as Reagan's Education Secretary followed by two as "Drug Czar" and 15 years later he's still raking in enough cash to fund a seven-figure a year slot habit in Atlantic City! In the endless strata below the political appointees are the countless bureaucratic automatons whose jobs are so protected they could be caught fucking a knot-hole in a redwood and not be fired. Human nature and human performance is and always will be motivated by benefits and consequences. Employment with GOTUS presents neither. What is needed is truly competitive privatization of government services. The Katrina disaster zone should have been divided up with recovery franchise zones awarded to various companies. Uncle Sam's sole role should have been to provide free transportation between the zones. If the company serving your area wasn't quick enough with food, water and shelter..fuck'em! You get on the bus and go to the zone where someone is doing a better job. The company of the zone you leave gets zero reimbursement for every lost customer (the same as in the private sector) and the one doing the best job gets paid. Now I'm sure someone will say, "but Max, having all those companies competing against each other, wouldn't that also create a cluster-fuck of some degree?" My answer, it quite possibly will. But then a disaster by it's very nature is a cluster-fuck and sometimes all you can hope to do in that situation is hand out a little K-Y to make the experience a bit less painful. - Delmax [I prefer Astroglide, but hey... to each his own. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com