RANDOM, UNCONNECTED THINGS I can't believe she's a nurse. A four-hundred pound nurse with a three-hundred pound autistic kid (who, in reality, is probably just suffering the ill-effects of severe sugar intoxication) waiting two weeks in line for the opening of a Krispy Kreme outlet. That's what's wrong with we here in "the West," in a nutshell, folks. A morbidly obese nutshell. And don't give me that "but it was for charity!" bullshit. Just look at them, for Christzilla's sake! Krispy Kreme is all they've got left in the world! You know as well as yer old pal Jerky does that those two would have been at the front of the line, charity or no. I love this guy's defense. "Just because there are a few people at this electronic voting machine manufacturing company who got caught pledging to do everything in their power to see to it that a specific candidate gets elected, that's no reason to disqualify our company from the submitting a bid to provide the state with proprietary, no-audits-permited, black-box vote-counting software!" It's a darn good thing for some very powerful people that nobody gives a fuck about this sort of thing anymore. *** **** *** TIME TO GET POLLED! Two weeks ago, we here at the Daily Dirt asked you the following question: If you were stuck in prison and were forced to engage in homosexual activity, which of the following acts would you LEAST want to perform? 1. Suck Dick, 2. Get Ass-Fucked, 3. Toss a Salad, 4. Take part in a Prison Rape. Well, the results are in, and once again, they were surprisingly close. In a great disappointment to yer old pal Jerky, most of you fools would be willing to suck another man's dick - gagging, swallowing the load, licking the balls - with only 19.73% choosing it as the activity they would be least inclined to participate in. A near-equal amount of you wouldn't mind taking part in the gang-rape of the cell-block retard (19.77%). Where's your sense of shame, gentlemen?! "Tossing salad" and "getting ass-fucked" were neck-and-neck for the most votes, with 30.09% declaring the idea of licking and sucking another man's grody asshole to be beyond the pale, while sphincter-ripping, unlubricated ass-fucking wins the day with 30.42% of over 2000 votes cast! As for yer old pal Jerky, he chooses none of the above. Now, moving on, it's time for a NEW POLL! Here is your question: What do you think of the Madonna/Britney Spears kiss at the MTV Music Awards? Did you 1. Blow your load? 2. Think it was a Publicity Stunt? 3. Think it was 100% Pure Art? or 3. See it as a way to get your chick to eat pussy? As always, you can vote in this poll by going to the Daily Dirt website at www.dailydirt.com, and voting in the patented Vote-oh-Matic Democracy Box (pat.pend.) located just beneath the Free Pics, Uglitron and Rotwang listings. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! September 2 On this day in 1944, future American President George Herbert Walker Bush had to ditch his burning plane and - thanks to the 30 square yards of hemp fabric strapped to his back - he survived. That's right, you heard right... the parachute that saved President Bush's life was made of marijuana. I tell you what... if yer old pal Jerky had been that parachute, and if he had known about the way Bush would crank up the War On DrugsTM, and if he had known about the horrific mediocrity that was destined to spring from his loins... yer old pal Jerky the parachute would have ripped. [This is the fifth time yer old pal Jerky has run the above joke. On this day last year, I wrote: "As of now, this joke is officially retired." But seeing as the occasion of said declaration is now, in and of itself, noteworthy for it's having happened on this day, I get to run it again! Convenient how shit works itself out sometimes, ain't it? - Jerky]

THEY SAID IT! "Civil disobedience is not our problem, our problem is civil obedience." - Howard Zinn, author of A People's History of the United States, which everybody should be forced to read in high school. Click here for extended excerpts. *** **** *** "The notion that a radical is one who hates his country is naive and usually idiotic. He is, more likely, one who loves his country more than the rest of us, and is thus more disturbed than the rest of us when he sees it debauched. He is not a bad citizen turning to crime; he is a good citizen driven to despair." - H.L. Mencken

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Jeremy Fox. A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replied. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse." The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband. "Damned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Margot for sending in today's second set of jokes. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: They are easier to keep amused. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY I'm putting our old pal Junior Johnston's entry in as worst joke of the day. But that's only because it isn't really a joke per se, and I wanted to run it. Enjoy! A little old lady from Ohio had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk... with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940s or 50's???) she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this! She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it.... Here is her entry: Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no shit to haul no buckets to wash, no hay to pitch, just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky; You know I am always surprised when you get letters from religious types. I mean you operate a fucking free porn newsletter for fucks sake. I saw a quote from one of the "hand laying" idots in front of the courthouse where he bitched that "our freedoms are being taken away." Looking at the picture it appears that they are having a fucking tent revival on the steps of the courthouse. What fucking right is being taken away? It appears to me that they are enjoying the provisions of the "free exercise" clause. But this of course belies the main goal of the religous right, which is to ramrod their version of Christianity down all of our fucking throats. Fuck em & keep up the good work Jerky.... Signed: FOX Right on, Brother Fox! And on the topic of 10 Commandments Hate Mail, I finally got a missive that is worthy of the name! Here it is, from a dude named Maggot Mike: "hEY LIBERAL ASSHOLE LOOK WHAT YOU LIBS HAVE DONE TOO CALIFORNIA. I BET YOUR QUEER NIGGER LOVING ASS DOESN’T OWN A BUSINESS~!!!!!" Grade-A idiocy! *** **** *** MOPJ- I just farted and I swear it smelled like broccoli. I ate broccoli about 2 hours ago. Is it possible that the death stench of the broccoli fart could traverse the entire human digestive tract in a mere 2 hours? Signed: Sofaking Yes, it certainly is possible, Sofaking. But only if the broccoli's path is slicked with copious globs of freshly ejaculated/swallowed semen, as I'm guessing was the cae with you. Corn-holer. *** **** *** Hey JERKY, All this talk about bleaching, I have yet to see where it works. how about a link to some before and after pictures, or a how to. Not that I don't trust you, but I need a little convincing for the little lady that it might BRIGHTEN things up....down there. May The Force Be With You. Signed: MasterJediBob Dear LoozerFanboyBob; Here you go. And here's one for the road. Nanu-Nanu.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: FINAL WORD ON SHUTTLE LOGIC! Care of: Justin Oz Hi Jerky, Long time reader, first time writer. Great 'zine. I'm a devout agnostic, and fortunate enough to be Australian thus mercifully spared most of the blatant political insanity that is often the subject of your editorials. But enough of that... something about BJamin's post, most likely the self-righteous tone, implored me to respond. As I understand it, the impact of foam on wing occurred during lift-off, not in orbit. Mr. Grayson's analysis of the relative velocities in this collision seemed accurate enough. Even more annoying, however, is the incorrect 'magical world' comment: the gravitational force exerted by one body on another DOES vary, significantly, as the distance between them changes: The force of attraction, F, between two bodies of mass m1 and m2 is given by: where r = distance between the two bodies and G = the universal gravitational constant = 6.67 x 10-11 N m2 kg-2 Refresh that. - Justin. [You smarty-pants "math" guys with your big numbers and your deep understanding of the way the universe works... you think you're sooo cool, don't you? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com